


Fade Into You (To Find Myself)

by couch_of_friendship



Category: Captain America - All Media Types
Genre: Abuse, Based on a Tumblr Post, College, Concussions, HYDRA sucks, I know nothing of medicine so this is totally wrong, M/M, Medical Trauma, Past Abuse, Pierce is a dick, but you look like you need medical help, no I'm fine, sorry - Freeform, you ran me over with your bicycle
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-18
Updated: 2015-09-21
Packaged: 2018-04-19 15:12:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,169
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4750964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/couch_of_friendship/pseuds/couch_of_friendship
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Based on the "You ran me over with your bicycle, no I'm fine, but you look like you need medical help AU."<br/>But Pierce and Rumlow are involved and that's never good.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I want to hold the hand inside you

**Author's Note:**

> Oh god, so this is the first thing I'm writing here, so I apologize because it's terrible.  
> Umm, I found a list of AUs on tumblr that were suggestions for people who write, and I thought this one was cute, so I just went for it. I know nothing about medical treatment beyond basic first aid, so this is mostly inaccurate. Especially like the hospital scenes, I have no idea how doctors actually tell you anything, and I'm pretty sure they wouldn't let Steve anywhere near Bucky considering the shape he's in. But Steve's spiel is actually what you have to say under good samaritan law, it sounds really cheesy, but it's required. Also never move anyone who might have injured their neck or spine.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Oh my God! Watch out!" Steve shouted as a man on a bicycle came careening down the pathway. The man's eyes were wide as he white-knuckled the handle bars, but 'watch out' he did not. Steve jumped off the path just a little too late and the bicycle caught his foot at the last second, putting an end to the wild ride. The man tumbled down to the brick path where he lay panting.

"Oh my God! Watch out!" Steve shouted as a man on a bicycle came careening down the pathway. The man's eyes were wide as he white-knuckled the handle bars, but 'watch out' he did not. Steve jumped off the path just a little too late and the bicycle caught his foot at the last second, putting an end to the wild ride. The man tumbled down to the brick path where he lay panting.

Steve scrambled to his feet, relieved to find his foot and ankle undamaged, and launched into a verbal attack on the cyclist, "What in Heaven's name were you thinking, you great buffoon? You know what the two extra handles on the handle bars are for? They're not just decoration! They're the damn brakes, you squeeze and you  **STOP** , yeah  **STOP**. What an incredible concept you half-wit moron." Steve finished his tirade standing over the prone man who had not moved since taking his fall. I was then that Steve noticed the blood. It was everywhere; hands, elbows, knees, shins.... head.

"Oh my God," He dropped to his knees beside the man, no, boy. "Can you hear me? My name is Steve, I'm red cross certified in First Aid and CPR, can I help you?"  
The boy   _is this kid even old enough to be on a college campus_   broke a little from his stupor and nodded, his eyes refocusing on Steve and no longer unseeing.

"Hi, easy now, I'm going to hold your wrist so I can take your pulse, okay?" The boy flinched as Steve reached out his hand, but allowed him to take it. The heartbeat was weak and rapid, and bruises were forming on his hands and arms. "What's your name, pal?" Steve wiped the blood on his jeans, and took off his backpack. He looked up when there was no response forthcoming and noticed the boy's eyes had unfocused again. "Hey?" Steve unwrapped his sweatshirt from around his hips, rolled it up and put it behind the boy's neck, carefully rolling him onto his back from his side.  _You're not supposed to move people, but he needs to me on his back._ "Listen, I need to call the police."  
At the word 'police' he started, reaching out and shaking his head wildly. "N-n-no police! N-n-no-"

"Shh," Steve leaned in and placed his hand on the boy's cheek, stopping his head from moving and getting covered in blood once again. "Your body is going into shock, you need to go to the hospital, you need a blood transfusion." _Holy shit, this has not been covered in my classes._

The boy whimpered.  
  
"I'm not going to leave you, okay? I'll stay right with you."

The boy closed his eyes.  _Shit, he needs to stay awake._

"Can you tell me your name?" Steve coaxed.

"Bucky," The boy whispered.

"Hello Bucky, I'm going to call for an ambulance now." Steve whipped out his phone and dialled 911 relaying his need for an ambulance. As he spoke he pulled a first aid kit from his backpack as well as a large book. He placed to book beneath Bucky's feet, elevating them to help the blood flow to major organs and started to clean the wounds on his hands. He put the phone on speaker, and set it beside them. "Bucky, I'm in school to be a first responder, they might make me stay in the waiting room, but I'll make sure I can see you as soon as they let me, okay? Is there anyone else I should be calling? Parents? Significant other?"

Bucky shook his head.  
Steve finished getting the dried blood off of Buckys hands and arms, but the cuts were not closing fast, and the bruises forming on his forearms looked ugly.  _Oh God, someone was beating him before he fell off that bike._   
"Bucky, can you tell me who you're running from?" Steve moved down to clean his knees as casually as he could. His eyes flicked from the boy's knees back up to his face, and Steve's breath caught.  _He's beautiful. Crap, kid's a twink. Now is not the time to notice how pretty he is. How pink his mouth is, how- Oh my God - focus!_

"N-n-not running," He stuttered as he started to wring his hands and smear blood all over them once again. _Great job, idiot._

"It's okay, Bucky, I'm not going to let anyone hurt you anymore, not on my watch." _Now I sound like a creepy possessive stalker, awesome._

"N-n-no-" further protestations were drowned out by sirens fast approaching. 

"It's okay, I'm right here."

The paramedics rushed over, and Steve moved to Bucky's feet and watched avidly as the assessed Bucky, answering questions as they are addressed to him. Steve moved with the paramedics as they got Bucky on a stretcher and into the ambulance, one of them directed him to sit and buckle into the one actual seat behind the driver by the IV drip which she quickly attacked to Bucky's arm.

The paramedics continued to try to staunch the bleeding as they sped down the road toward the hospital.

"Do you know your blood type?" The paramedic who had attached the IV asked. 

Bucky opened his eyes to look at her, "O neg."

"Oh boy," was her response. 

"So am I," Steve volunteered suddenly. "I was going to go in two weeks to the drive on campus, but if you can hook me up there I'll do it today."  _What the fuck? It won't actually help. They can't clear it fast enough to give to him today. Just shut up. Stop babbling._

The woman nodded at Steve, it wasn't unusual for friends and family to volunteer, as her hands verily flew around Bucky.

  
\-------------------------------------------

 

The EMTs rushed Bucky into an MRI because of his head trauma.  
"I'm going to be right here, okay? No one can be in the room, but I'll be with the doctors and right there after."

Bucky didn't acknowledge Steve, the blood loss was getting to him.

  


Standing, waiting for the scan to be over, Steve finally had a moment to reflect on the situation, and the presence of mind to text his room mate so she wouldn't worry when he didn't come home from his rehearsal. She responded immediately, asking what she could do to help, and agreed to bring clothes for both Steve and Bucky to change into.

One of the technicians approached Steve, "You volunteered for a blood draw?"

Steve shoved his phone in his pocket, "Yeah, what do you need?"

"We're going to move your friend upstairs, he probably needs blood and fluids, and should be fine. The bruises and scrapes should heal naturally. We can hook you up in the room he will be in?"

"Yes, that would be great." __So they definitely think we're just bros if they're letting be in his room. I don't know if I should be annoyed they don't think he could have been abused by a boyfriend, or relieved I can be with him. Relieved, I am definitely relieved. Jeez, this is a long day_ _ _._ "Lead on." 

  


They went up to the ICU where Bucky would spend the night, "If you want to sit here someone will be in to hook you up and your friend will be up shortly."

"Thank you."

The tech nodded, and backed out of the room, Steve glanced around and noticed the bathroom. Looking down on himself he figured washing some of the blood off his hand wouldn't be a bad idea. He regarded himself in the mirror. He was a fit and attractive man in his early twenties, with traditional Irish looks, a little bulky in the shoulders department. His normally styled fine blond hair was sloppy and streaked with red where he had run his hands through it in the ambulance. He dunked his head in the sink and rinsed his hair. 

 

The door opened and wheels squeaked in, "Hello?"

 

Steve pat his hands and face dry and exited the bathroom. "Hey, just let me sit down before you stick me," smiling at the nurse, he took a seat.

"There are some forms you need to fill out as well Mr. -"

"Steve, my name is Steve, and paperwork is not unexpected."  He quickly signed the release forms and held out his arm to the woman with the needle. "I have a friend, Natasha, who said she would be stopping by with changes of clothes for Bucky and I, if you can make sure she gets directed up here....?"

"Absolutely, Bucky should be up momentarily, do you need anything else?"

"No, thank you. I'm all set." __So the blood draw usually takes forever. Wait? The bag is actually filling? Crap my heart's still kinda racing. Note to self, have random beat up strangers accost you before going to a blood draw. Okay that's so not funny._ _

She withdrew the needle from his arm and took her stand and went back into the hall where there was a flurry of activity. Bucky was wheeled in, looking paler than before, and quite unconscious. He was still attached to an IV with fluids, and another stand with blood was quickly wheeled in and attached.  When there was no more to do most of the doctors left as quickly as they had come. One stayed.

"Do you have a last name for the patient?"

Steve shook his head, "He crashed his bike into me on campus, I'd never seen him before."

"Okay. When he wakes up again we'll get that information. Right now his body needs rest and to restore all that it lost. He also has a mild concussion, although no other brain injury, so he needs to stay in low-light and no screens until he has healed." 

"I'll stay with him until he has someone else to take care of him. I'm actually pre-med over at the college-"

"Excellent. The bruises and cuts look to be from some kind of altercation, so stay with him and keep an eye out." 

"Absolutely. I have a friend coming-"

  


From the hallway voices were raised, "What do you mean I can't go in? I'm bringing them clothes! I-"

Steve opened the door and stuck his head out, "Natasha. Hush. Come."

Natasha flipped her long red hair at the receptionist and ran to Steve. Natasha wrapped her arms around him and held tight.

"I'm glad you're alright."

"So am I."

 

\-------------------------------------------

 

In fresh clothes Steve told Natasha all he knew about Bucky, and all he suspected.

“Our campus is pretty closed, why would he be biking down our paths?” Natasha took a longer look at the sleeping man on the bed, “Oh! I've seen him before, in my honors 310, very quiet. He seemed to be attached to some guy, big, rugby player.”

“He was in a class with you and you didn't get his life story?”

“Very funny. I tried. He did all his projects alone, wouldn't join me at all.” Natasha's reporter brain whirred.

“It doesn't matter, I'm not going to let anyone hurt him now.”

Natasha's eyebrows raised.

“Be careful.”

“I will be, now you should head back, you have a class this evening. I'll be fine here.”

“Okay,” Natasha smiled, kissed Steve's cheek, and flicked a finger down his nose. “Bright eyes.”

“Safe skies.”

Steve slumped back in the chair after Natasha left and looked at the man on he bed.

“How much trouble are you going to be?” There was no reply, but Steve didn't expect one. He pulled out his phone and opened his Kindle app, “You don't mind a story do you?” He paused. “I didn't think so.” He started to read.

 


	2. I want to take a breath that's true

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky wakes up in the hospital. Steve reads a good book.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi again! I didn't expect a response so fast or so positve, thank you guys so much.  
> This chapter's a little shorter than the other one, but I hope you still like it.  
> Confession time, when I started writing this I was using OCs, and then I realized (as they get dinner in this chapter) that I was really writing about these two boys anyway, so I might as well give them their real names.  
> There's some not so nice stuff alluded to in this chapter, I'm afraid it's going to get worse before it gets better.

  
Bucky woke all at once, jolting up in the bed, jarring the equipment, and startling Steve. He shrunk away from Steve and whimpered. Steve set aside his phone and spoke softly, "Hi, I don't know how much you remember, my name is Steve, and you're safe."

“I-I remember riding a bike, and there was a hill, and I couldn't slow down,” his hands began trembling in his lap. “And there was someone in the path- and that's it.”

“That's really good,” Steve encouraged. “I didn't get out of the way, so we crashed, and then I got an ambulance to take you to the hospital because you had lost a lot of blood and you were going into shock. You also have a mild concussion, which is why the lights are off.”

“Oh.”

“Is there someone I should call to come be with you?”

Bucky's hands shook even worse at that prospect.

“N-no! I,” he swallowed hard. “I'm alright.”

“Okay, well you're not supposed to be alone in the beginning of a concussion, so after tonight you can come home with me.” Bucky turned his head sharply. “I go to university here, and my roommate's cool with it, so after the hospital clears you you've got someplace to go.”

“Um...”

“I'm pre-med training to be in the EMS, so if anything gets worse after you're released I can help you.”

“Ah, okay.”

“You were pretty adamant earlier that no cops were called, since there's no bullet wounds its not required, and I stopped the nurses and doctors, but they'll probably ask you again. Hey, it's going to be okay, I won't let anything happen to you that you don't want. You just say the word.”

“Thank you.”

“It's no problem. I should probably call the nurse in though, okay?”

Bucky nodded and lay back down on the bed.

Steve opened the door and stuck his head out.

“He's awake.”

The woman at the desk nodded and typed something into her computer.

Steve sat back down beside the bed as a nurse bustled in to check the machines and chat with Bucky.

He grabbed his phone and sent a quick text to Natasha.

_< <He's coming home w/me tomorrow>>_

_< <I figured>>_

_< <And that's why I love you>>_

_< <Uh huh>>_

Steve locked his phone and set it down just in time to hear the nurse mention dinner.

“They're serving salmon, rice, and peas.”

Bucky didn't look enthused, but he nodded his head anyway. Steve nodded when the nurse looked to him, “Yes, thank you.”

She made a note on her clipboard and marched back into the hallway. An awkward silence filled the room as the echoes of her footsteps retreated.

“So, you probably shouldn't sleep until after you eat, I'm sure it won't take long.” Steve paused, waiting for a reaction from the man on the bed.

Bucky hummed in the back of his throat.

“Okay, should I keep reading?”

Bucky nodded and murmured his agreement.

Steve unlocked his phone, cleared his throat, and picked up where he left off.

  
  


\-------------------------------------------

  
  


Bucky felt himself drifting again. The blond giant had a nice voice. It was gentle, and he hadn't raised it yet. Bucky was proud he hadn't made the blond -no Steve- raise his voice.

He knew he was in a hospital, and he knew that was bad. Sir was going to be very mad when he found out Bucky was in a hospital, he was never hurt bad enough to need one, he was just weak, that's why it hurt, but he didn't deserve to go to hospital. He never went to the hospital before, when Sir hit him, he just patched himself up in the bathroom. It was fine, he just wiped away the blood, and he had makeup to cover any bruises, but they weren't normally where anyone would see, Sir was careful about that. He-

Bucky's vision suddenly filled with blue eyes, “Hey, it's okay. You're safe, you're okay, you're going to be just fine.”

He suddenly noticed how fast his heart was beating. He drew a deep breath in, getting the oxygen his panic attack was denying him.

“I can read a different book, if you don't like this one...?”

Bucky laughed. He hadn't been paying attention to what Steve had been reading. He shook his head, “No, keep going.”

Steve hesitated, looking into Bucky's eyes, but he sat back in his chair and resumed his story. Bucky forced himself to listen more carefully, and as he did he forced himself not to startle again.

He recognized this book. Actually, it was one of his favorites, he had it digitally and in print.

_The blond giant likes romance? Likes_ gay  _romance?But the girl, his roommate was a girl. How would he even have found this book?_

Bucky decided it didn't much matter, not when this man with the gorgeous deep voice was reading his favorite book.

  
  


A male nurse bustled in this time with dinner for the two boys, but he stayed only long enough to make sure Bucky could lift his own fork before heading off to feed the rest of the hospital.

Bucky didn't really want to eat. Sir didn't like it when he ate on his own. He liked to choose what Bucky was going to eat. And how much.

Steve paused, his fork in the air, “Bucky?”

“I-”

“I know you're probably not all that hungry, but can you eat a little more? Just a couple bites, the medicine they've got you on shouldn't really go on an empty stomach.”

Bucky nodded his head slowly. He could do this. Steve wanted him to, so that meant he wasn't disobeying orders. He could do a couple bites.

“Hospital food's supposed to suck, but this is better than the dining halls.”

Bucky smiled a little. He didn't know where Sir got the food Bucky ate. He hadn't been to the dinning halls since September.

Steve was right, the salmon was pretty good. Bucky only took one bite of that. Sir didn't let him eat rich foods a lot. The rice was good too, though especially since Sir had been upset the past couple days and hadn't let Bucky have much to eat or go anywhere. He had probably missed a lot in his classes. 

He put aside the plate, having eaten more than he had in months. Steve looked concerned, but he didn't say anything about it. Instead he grabbed his phone again, “Do you want me to keep going? You need to sleep. In the morning we'll go back to Nat and my place and settle you in.”

Bucky nodded. He would take this for himself. When Sir got him back he would be punished, but every time he read the book, he would have Steve's voice in his head, and that was worth a whole lot.

  
  


\-------------------------------------------

  
  


Steve watched Bucky as he slipped into sleep. He still looked tense. _What was the deal with dinner? Maybe he doesn't like salmon? It looked like more than that, especially with how thin he is. He ate the rice, is he anorexic? That's just what I need, a gorgeous anorexic with a concussion and a crazy, controlling boyfriend living in my dorm._

Steve sighed and closed his own eyes. They'd figure it out in the morning. 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bucky dissociates a little thinking about Pierce and getting punished.  
> He refers to Pierce as "Sir."  
> Steve thinks Bucky is anorexic, he's not, he just is not used to choosing when, what, and how much he eats. It's going to be a recurring theme, until Steve knows what's going on.  
> Don't worry, Natasha reveals everything in the next chapter, so that one's going to be really ugly, but things will make more sense.  
> Also the book Steve is reading is MY favorite book of all time, Mercedes Lackey's Last Herald Mage trilogy-he's reading the first one. It's really sad. And beautiful. Gay romance/magic users/sacrifce/depression/I just have so many feelings about the trilogy. Anayway, thanks for reading!


	3. I look to you and I see nothing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve realizes he likes Bucky too much, but takes him home anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for sticking with it! I'm still so excited about this, but I've been having trouble concentrating on doing it. I caught whatever bug is making its way around my university so this week could have been better, which is why this chapter is so short. And I said that stuff would be revealed, but I just couldn't type it all up, so this is just a brief interlude to actually get back home where stuff is going to happen.  
> Warning: Steve makes a couple mistakes in dealing with Bucky, specifics at the end of the chapter.

 

Nurses bustled around the bed, unhooking Bucky from the monitors and generally fussing over him. Steve stood to the side and watched. He imagined Bucky didn't get fussed over a lot.

Going over the discharge papers Bucky looked momentarily confused when they told him they could keep his visit secret from anyone calling to ask after him before furtively checking that box. He looked more guilty spooked after that, like someone was going to appear and jump him at anytime.

One of the nurses went over care instructions with Steve, too. _Low light, low noise, no screens, lots of fluids._

Steve promised to keep a good eye on him, and suddenly they were alone again. Steve sat down in the chair, and Bucky sat up in the bed, still wearing the hospital gown.

“Uh, Nat brought an extra set of clothes, so you don't have to put your old ones back on.” Steve offered.

Bucky nodded gratefully, “Thanks.”

Steve handed them over and looked down to his phone, avoiding watching as Bucky stripped down and revealed pale, creamy skin. Bucky harrumphed and Steve glanced up, concern immediately turning into amusement. The clothes were a little big. Bucky pulled the drawstring on the sweats as far as he could, then caught Steve's eye. He blushed and stuttered.

“Here,” Steve leaned forward in the chair. “Let me help.” He grabbed the drawstring and knotted it, fingers brushing Bucky's gaunt belly as he inhaled sharply. “Easy, I'm just going to help.” Steve rolled the waistband down a few times, and Bucky's stomach was rippled. Not cut away like a bodybuilder, but strong and firm. _Why didn't he fight his way out? He's by no means weak._

Then he knelt to roll the cuffs up. He looked up at Bucky from on his knees and watched his Adam’s apple bob in his throat as he swallowed. Steve felt his own body fill with desire.

Steve stood slowly, a breath away from Bucky, maintaining eye contact. He swayed forward until he saw the fear in Bucky's eyes. That snapped him out of his haze of lust.

“So.... ah... I have some sunglasses that you can wear while we head back.”

Bucky looked even more startled over the fact that Steve backed off and Steve cursed inside. He wanted to demand the name of the asshole who hurt this beautiful boy. He wanted him to feel the fear that Bucky now feels. He knew those things would scare Bucky off, so he moved to his bag and grabbed the sunglasses instead.

“It's less than a mile back to campus, I live in the student apartments with Natasha. The other two guys, Sam and Riley, went to visit Sam's family for a few days. Are you going to be okay to walk?”

Bucky nodded as he pushed the glasses up his nose, effectively hiding his eyes from the sun, and Steve's searching gaze.

“Okay.” Steve opened the door to the room, and led Bucky away from the hospital.

Bucky walked just behind and to the right of Steve the whole way back to Steve's apartment.

  
  


\-------------------------------------------

  
  


Steve didn't like the way Bucky was afraid of everything in his home. Natasha was out at her internship - _What internship works on the weekend?_ \- so she wasn't there to startle him. But he still shied away from the furniture and only went as far as Steve did into the apartment. Steve grabbed a spare set of sheets out of the linens drawer and snagged a couple pillows off his own bed.

“Hey, I'd offer you Sam and Riley's bed, but I don't know what they've done in it, and the couch is pretty comfortable.”

Bucky nodded and moved to grab the sheets. Steve smiled and put out a hand to ward him off.

“I got this, just have a seat. Oh! The bathroom's through there if you need it.” Steve gestured behind him in the direction from where he got the linens.

He started to pull the fitted sheet over the top of the couch when he noticed Bucky starting to kneel.

“You drop something, pal?”

Bucky looked confused as he shook his head slowly. He stayed on his knees.

Steve continued stretching the sheets across the couch and make a funny face, “Then why are you on the floor?”

Bucky's brows furrowed further, “You told me to sit?” His statement sounded more like a question.

“Yeah, I meant in the chair.”

Bucky glanced at the chair and far suffused his expression. He sat back on his heels trying to push away from Steve and the offending piece of furniture. “N-n-no. Please, I-”

Steve dropped the last corner of the sheet and knelt in front of the cowering man. He gripped Bucky's wrists and pulled them from his face. “Hey, easy there Buck. Easy, you're alright, you're just fine. You don't have to sit in the chair if you don't want to. I thought it would be more comfortable, that's all. Easy now. You're okay, you're safe, it's okay.”

Bucky eventually stopped scrambling to get away from Steve as tears dripped silently down his cheeks.

“Oh baby what did he do to you?” Steve lamented as he sat heavily back and opened his arms to Bucky. He stilled suddenly at the question, but eventually moved forward into Steve's arms. Steve pulled him close into his embrace, hands going to Bucky's back and hair, rocking gently. Bucky's hair was soft and silky as Steve caressed him, whispering encouragements as Bucky continued to cry, eerily silent as shudders wracked his frame.

At length, he quieted, but Steve made no move to get up, continuing to run his hands softly through his hair.

  
  


Natasha found them like that hours later, Bucky curled into Steve's lap, Steve's back against the couch wrapped protectively around him, both fast asleep. She slipped quietly into her room before plugging in her laptop and digging up everything she could about the mysterious boy whose fingers clung so desperately to her best friend's shirt.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Steve thinks that since Bucky is muscular he could have fought his way out of an abusive relationship.  
> He also asks Bucky "who did this to you?" waaaaay too soon. Like Steve is technically guessing because Bucky hasn't actually told him anything.  
> Steve knows intellectually about domestic abuse, but he really has no practical knowledge. He is knocked flat by how much he likes this man he doesn't know, and wants to keep him safe. He'll figure out how to get better.
> 
> Thank you again! I promise next time Nat will tell you how big this whole thing is.


End file.
